RELATIONSHIP COACH

Lingerie fetish

The person becomes sexually aroused by wearing or touching the object. For example, the object of a fetish could be an article of clothing, such as underwear, rubber clothing, women's shoes, or women's underwear or lingerie.

Underwear fetishism is a sexual fetishism relating to undergarments, and refers to preoccupation with the sexual excitement of certain types of underwear, including panties, stockings, pantyhose, bras, or other items. Some people can experience sexual excitement from wearing, while others get their excitement when observing, handling, or smelling the underwear worn by another, or watching somebody putting underwear on or taking it off.

Underwear fetishism is not considered as paraphilia unless it causes distress or serious problems for the person or those associated with them.

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Prevalence

To determine relative prevalences of different fetishes, Italian researchers obtained an international sample of 5,000 individuals from 381 fetish-themed discussion groups. The relative prevalences were estimated based on (a) the number of groups devoted to a particular fetish, (b) the number of individuals participating in the groups and (c) the number of messages exchanged. Within the sample population (a population of adults online involved in sexual discussion), 12% indicated a sexual preference for underwear.

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Panties

A Japanese vending machine selling used panties for Burusera

Panty fetishism is a fetish in which one eroticizes panties (or similar styles of underwear).

In Japan, a common types of panty fetish involves used panties; this industry has a long-established brick-and-mortar presence, known as burusera shops.

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Stockings and pantyhose

A man wearing nude pantyhose and nylon leggings

Some people experience sexual excitement from the look or feel of women's stockings and pantyhose.

Stocking fetishism may include other feminine clothing which contributes to enhancing the fantasy. Some men find it arousing to collect and wear stockings, panties, and suspender belts. In some cases, this is done for the purpose of momentary sexual stimulation. Others wear such a complete combination under a pair of trousers or beneath a business suit on a regular daily basis.

The growth of internet purchasing has enabled men to browse through many different assorted underwear offerings anonymously, and some manufacturers and retailers specializing in lingerie and associated women's apparel cater to the needs of men who are interested in acquiring and wearing these garments.

Such fetishists may also be divided into many subcategories relative to their attraction to certain types of stocking/pantyhose. Some find fishnet stockings more arousing compared to other forms, for example. Other preferences include fully fashioned (seamed) stockings, seamless stockings, designer stockings, luxury stockings, reinforced heel and toe stockings (RHT), stay-ups, etc.

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Silk and satin

Some people experience sexual excitement from the look or feel of articles made of silk or satin fabric. Such interest is usually directed towards the person wearing silk or satin, but it can also be directed towards the garment itself, or to the feel of the garment when worn.

The principal materials which are considered erotic are charmeuse silk (silk woven so that it has a sheen) and satins (such as acetate satin and rayon satin), but other materials with similar properties, such as polyester and spandex are also admired.

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Jockstraps

Jockstrap fetishism is the term applied to the sexual arousal from handling, wearing a jockstrap, watching another put one on, or sniffing a jockstrap. To quote on jockstrap sniffing, "jock[strap] sniffing specifically refers to the practice of inhaling odors from unlaundered jockstraps for the purpose of sexual stimulation. Practitioners, (usually male) are known as 'jock sniffers' and acquire unlaundered jockstraps either by swapping such garments with like-minded individuals or by swiping them from locker rooms, lockers or unattended gym bags

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DIY

 An acronym for Do It Yourself (job), a jocular euphemism (borrowed from the hobbyists) for masturbation

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DS

Dominance and submission (also called D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs, and rituals involving the submission of one person to another in an erotic episode or lifestyle. It is a subset of BDSM. This form of sexual contact and pleasure has been shown to please a minority of people.

Physical contact is not necessary, and D/s can be conducted anonymously over the telephone, email, or other messaging systems. In other cases, it can be intensely physical, sometimes crossing into sadomasochism. In D/s, both parties take pleasure or erotic enjoyment from either dominating or being dominated. Those who take the superior position are called dominants—Doms (regardless of gender) or Dommes (female)—while those who take the subordinate position are called submissive, or subs. A switch is an individual who plays either role. Two switches together may negotiate and exchange roles several times in a session. The term dominatrix usually refers to a female sex worker who dominates others for pay while the term maledom is used for a sexually dominant male in BDSM practices.

History

The dominant–submissive relationship fits within the overarching term BDSM and its lifestyle. BDSM stands for "bondage and discipline" (B&D), "domination and submission" (D&S), and "sadism and masochism" (S&M). Many misconceptions of this relationship and its associated activities come from the fact that early theorists conceptualized that sadomasochism and BDSM behavior were a symptom of psychopathology. It was thought that people who participated in this type of sexual play disregarded safety and consent, which influenced the diagnosis, classification, and perception of this type of relationship. These misconceptions of all participants of BDSM having disordered tendencies have related to the definition and criteria for sadomasochism in the DSM-5. Therefore, many in the BDSM community do not fit the criteria.

It is possible that this community of BDSM participants was formed in the early 18th century, and maybe even before. For example, the dominant–submissive partnership has been shown in early versions of the Kama Sutra. Not only is it shown in literature but also in the actions of ancient rulers that would participate in sexually sadistic torture, role play, and finally the assertion of their dominance over subjects. Their actions show severe sadomasochism as well as the early-onset behaviors of the community.

The relationship between a dominant and submissive revolves around consent and guidelines. Within the world of BDSM, consent is a core focus and requirement because it is what separates sexual sadism from coercive sexual sadism disorder in the DSM-5. Sexual sadism disorder and sexual masochism disorder have been changed in order to differentiate between consensual and non consensual partners. As well as meeting the new criteria to be classified as one or the other, for example, the person being diagnosed must be experiencing personal distress about their paraphilia rather than distress coming from society's disapproval. The growth of dominant and submissive behavior, sadomasochism, and other BDSM activity is evident through its history, from ancient times through the separation from disorder to consensual-community participant.

Overview

Dominance and submission have a long history in human culture and civilization. In human sexuality, this has broadened to include voluntarily chosen roles and activities that express dominance and submission. The proportion of the population which partakes in D/s activities is difficult to ascertain as the statistics vary widely depending on the particular study, date of publication, and country where the research has taken place. 

A 1985 study suggested that about 30 percent of participants in BDSM activities are females, and the rest are males. A study by the California Graduate Institute in 2008 found that 61 percent of men were exclusively or mainly dominant (26 percent were exclusively or mainly submissive), while 69 percent of women were exclusively or mainly submissive (30 percent were exclusively or mainly dominant).

A study in 2008 found that only 2.2% of men and 1.3% of women had participated in a BDSM activity in the previous year. In 2017, a Belgian study of BDSM interest in the general population, with a sample size of 1,027, found that 46.8% of the total sample had ever performed at least one BDSM-related activity. An additional 22% had fantasized about it, and 12.5% performed at least one BDSM-related activity on a regular basis.

A 2019 publication states that a minority of the population engages or fantasizes about BDSM activity. A national study with 2,800 participants showed that about 14% of men and 11% of women had participated in some sort of BDSM related activity and from those results, it was concluded that approximately 10% of adults have joined in some part of the sexual behavior.

 

A D/s couple posing for a picture. Many submissives wear a collar to denote their status and commitment.

A safeword is usually given to the submissive partner to prevent the dominant from overstepping physical and emotional boundaries. It is usually a code word, series of code words or other signal used to communicate physical or emotional state, typically when approaching, or crossing, a boundary. Safewords can have differing levels of urgency - some may bring a scene to an outright stop, whereas others may indicate that a boundary is being approached. A safeword may be used by the Dominant as well as the Submissive if they feel things have gone too far and are uncomfortable continuing.

D/s may be ritualized or freeform. It is usually a negotiated lifestyle, with people discussing their wishes, limits, and needs in order to find commonality. A D/s relationship may be sexual or non-sexual, long- or short-term, and intimate or anonymous. Most adherents search for the essential intensity, trust, and intimacy that are required to make any deep relationship possible.

Based on gender (of the dominant or submissive), D/s can be divided into the following sub-types:

• Female dominance

• Female submission

• Male dominance

• Male submission

 

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BDSM is the sexual practices of bondage and pain / torture , dominant and submissive, as well as sadomasochism.

D/s participants often refer to their activity as "play", with an individual play session being called a "scene". In addition to "dominant" and "submissive" a "switch" is a person who can take either role. The dominant and submissive relations pertain to two people who play with psychological, emotional, and/or physical dominance. Most of the time in sexual relationships like this there is some sort of power exchange through their physical interaction. A scene between two switches can involve trading off the dominant and submissive roles, possibly several times. In contrast, the terms top and bottom refer to the active (agent) and passive (patient) roles, respectively. In a given scene, there is no requirement that the dominant also be the top, or that the submissive be the bottom, although this is often the case. 

The term vanilla refers to normative ("non-kinky") sex and relationships, the vanilla world being mainstream society outside of the BDSM subculture. The term comes from vanilla ice cream being considered the "default" flavor.

The term power exchange refers to the empowerment of the dominant by the submissive's surrender to his/ her control. Power exchange is consensual and in reality, it is the submissive that has the underlying control during the relationship exchange. The dominant is attempting to satisfy the submissive's kinks and desires.

The terms top and bottom are used as verbs or nouns to describe the physical play of SM but with less of a focus of the "sadist" and "masochist" part of the activity. They can be used as synonyms for dominant and submissive.

The term dungeon is used as a reference to a space/room designated for sadomasochism play. It can also be used to describe a club where these activities take place. It can also be a place to practice kinks safely and learn how to carry out activities and play.

The term dungeon monitors is used as a description of well-trusted BDSM members that volunteer to monitor dungeons and look out for infractions, distress, or any other form of misconduct or non-consent.

The term flogger is used to describe a tool or whip used in sexual scenes. The action of flogging refers to impact play. Usually made of leather with a hard handle and multiple long flat strands attached. The term can also be used to describe the person holding the specialized whip.

Linguistic conventions

Some people in the D/s world capitalize words and names that refer to dominants, and do not capitalize those that refer to submissives, hence the capitalization of D/s; others do not. It was popularized in internet chatrooms, to make it easier to identify the orientation of the writer or the person being written about.

Also, some submissives eschew personal pronouns, instead referring to themselves as "this slave" or "Master Bob's girl". This is sometimes considered an expression of modesty, but it is an entirely optional method of depersonalizing a submissive during "play". It may have roots in the military, where new recruits are required to refer to themselves as "this recruit", rather than "I" or "me".

D/s relationship styles

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Human furniture: A naked submissive woman being used as a decorative table. She is required to stay in the same posture, such that the vase on her back does not fall (top). A human-table formed using three naked submissive women (bottom).

 

A man engaging in petplay at the Folsom Street Fair and wearing a dog leash around his neck.

There can be any number of partners in a D/s relationship: one dominant may have several submissives, who may in turn dominate others, or a submissive may have multiple dominants. Relationships may be monogamous or polyamorous. Romantic love is not necessarily a feature in D/s: partners might be very much in love or have no romantic relationship at all. Some D/s relationships are sexual, others completely chaste.

Fantasy role play can be an element, with partners taking classic dominant or submissive roles, or classic authority-figure roles such as teacher and student, police officer and suspect, or parent and child. Animal play, where one partner takes the role of owner or caretaker and the other takes the part of a pet or animal, can also be D/s play.

A classic example of a D/s role is the "sissy" maid, where an adult male dresses in cartoonish female clothing and performs stereotypical female chores such as housecleaning or serving tea. Cross-dressing in D/s does not always involve a desire to be sissified or made into caricatures of women or to serve: for example, others may desire to be made as beautiful as possible and interact on a "girlfriend-to-girlfriend" non-sexual basis.

Variation in D/s is virtually limitless and the activities take many forms, and may be combined with other forms of BDSM. These variations may include:

• professional – Dominatrix

• Maledom

• resistance play – forcing the submissive to do something against their will as an intense form of power play

• domestic servitude or consensual slavery

• enforced chastity of the submissive

• sexual slavery

• fetishes – such as foot fetish, boot worship, uniforms, smoking, latex and other items can be fetishes.

• humiliation (breast humiliation for its size and shape, clitoris and labia size humiliation, humiliation for not having curvy or big buttocks and hips, small penis humiliation, verbal humiliation)

• dehumanization (e.g., pony, puppy or animal roleplay)

• objectification (human furniture): (e.g., submissive's body used as footstool, or sub's mouth used as spitting bowl and cigarette ashtray)

• cross-dressing

• whipping

• corporal punishment

• trampling

• human toilet – golden showers

• cuckquean

• feminization

• cuckold

• bondage (sexual)

• public humiliation

Safety

There are some risks commonly associated with D/s concerning both physical and mental health. Some examples are:

• Physical health complications such as bruising, broken skin, nerve damage due to tight bondage, burns due to hot wax play, or blood-borne pathogen exposure during needle play. 

• In rare cases, death may occur when the participants engage in activities that have the potential to cause serious physical injury. The most common activity associated with accidental death is erotic strangulation. A study by Bunzel et al. showed that between 1993 and 2017 more death occurred from auto-erotic activities than from partnered activities, and men were more likely to die in both cases than women.

• Negative emotional states during or after partaking in D/s activities

Consent and contracts

Further information on when consent can be a defense to criminal liability for any injuries caused, and when, for these purposes, non-physical injuries are included in the definition of grievous bodily harm: Consent (BDSM) and Legal consent

See also: Contract (BDSM)

 

Artwork depicting a female dominant performing bondage on her male submissive.

Consent is a vital element in all psychological play, and consent can be granted in many ways. Some employ a written form known as a "Dungeon negotiation form", for others a simple verbal commitment is sufficient.Consent can be limited both in duration and content. There are many versions of consent but mainly it is the knowledge between the partnership of who plays the dominant role and who plays the submissive. The commitment of knowing who afflicts and receives the pain, bondage, torture, and/or humiliation. As well as the fact that all erotic experiences are performed in a safe, legal, and consensual practice as well as benefiting both parties. The consensual practice is what helps distinguish BDSM participants from a psychiatric diagnosis of a sexual disorder. The community of BDSM has adopted the saying "Safe, Sane, Consensual" (SSC) and "Risk-Aware Consensual Kink" (RACK) and a new addition "Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution" (4Cs). Consent has also been categorized into three groups: surface, scene, and deep consent. Surface consent has been defined as a simple yes or no. Scene consent has been described as including parameters of a top/ bottom negotiation and agreement of a play scene. While deep consent involves the mental capacity of the bottom (submissive) and the awareness of the top that the bottom is able to use a safeword. The BDSM community have a simple code of conduct concerning the boundaries of safety and negotiation to ensure consensual BDSM.

Negotiation in terms of the sexual scenes is required to ensure that the BDSM play is enjoyable and safe for both parties involved. The discussion of what activities are available and the mutual definition of the play is the only way both the dominant and submissive will be able to comfortably perform. There is a complexity to negotiation depending on the trust and emotional attachment the partners have towards each other, the more familiarity between the two the less negotiation needed. The extent of negotiation depends on the partner's involvement, for example, less risk behavior the less negotiation needed.

Safewords are verbal codes both partners can recognize as the end or altering of activities done in a BDSM scene. It is an important asset to continue the consent through the relationship and scene itself. The use of a safeword at any time, regardless of the intensity of the scene, usually signifies the end to a scene, or activity and possible withdrawal of consent completely. Within the community of BDSM, there are universal safewords used according to traffic lights and known as "house safewords". Red means stop everything, yellow means slow down and to not go any further, and green meaning go and continue with more intensity. There are also possibilities where speaking is not an option and so there are "silent safewords" that are simple gestures that represent stopping an activity, for example, clapping hands, snapping fingers, or any action showing the scene must end. The use of safewords and the abode of them go hand and hand with consent and negotiation. All of it ensures a safe space where both participants are able to enjoy the sexual play.

The BDSM community takes consent very seriously and promotes safe play. They provide many resources so people may learn how to respect consent, such as education, information, and safety. They also provide public playrooms with dungeon monitors to make sure the rules are kept and followed.They have consequences for people who break the built trust and disobey the rule of consent and boundaries. Some punishments include being blacklisted from the community and labeled as a "predator." Being blacklisted includes being personally ridiculed by individual members, as well as exclusion from play parties, clubs, and organizations held by the community.

Although they take all the precautions to the events, coercion and sexual assault still occur inside and outside the community. There are many forms to this that include, knowingly violating consent, accidental violations, and misunderstandings from the lack of communication towards definitions and agreed-upon activities. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) is an educational organization that is driven to propose positive and safe sex that was founded in 1997. They conducted a survey with 4,598 participants in BDSM and 1,307 of them reported being touched without consent. Out of the participants, 26% reported they were attacked by a predator and 33% said they were coerced. 81% of the sample said that during the activity they wanted it to stop. It's important to include that participants of BDSM are not more likely to be coerced or sexually assaulted, there is no significant relationship between the two. That being said just because someone participates in a dominant and submissive relationship does not mean they will eventually be sexually assaulted or coerced.

Consensual non-consensuality is a mutual agreement to act as if consent has been waived within safe, sane limits. It is an agreement that consent is given in advance, sometimes without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned, though within defined limits subject to a safeword, reasonable care, common sense, or other restrictions. The consent is given with the intent of its being irrevocable under normal circumstances. As such, it is a show of extreme trust and understanding and is usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well, or otherwise agree to set clear, safe limits on their activities.

It is not unusual to grant consent only for an hour or for an evening. When a scene lasts for more than a few hours, it is common to draft a "scene contract" that defines what will happen and who is responsible for what. It is a good way to work out what all the parties want and usually improves the experience. Some contracts can become quite detailed and run for many pages, especially if a scene is to last a weekend or more.

For long term consent, a "slave contract" may be drawn up. Slave contracts are simply a way for consenting adults to define the nature of their relationship and clarify personal boundaries, and are not intended to carry legal force.

After a slave contract is drafted, some celebrate the event with a "collaring ceremony", in which the local D/s community is invited to witness the commitment made in the document. Some ceremonies become quite elaborate, and can be as involved as a wedding or any similar ritual.

 

A woman submissive wearing a typical "slave collar" at Cologne Pride. Her male master is pulling her using the ring of O attached to the collar. The woman is also wearing a mouth gagand her hands are in bondage.

Some people maintain a special room or area, called a dungeon or playroom, that contains special equipment, such as shackles, handcuffs, whips, queening stools, and spanking benches or a Berkley horse, for example, used for play scenes, or they may visit a BDSM club that maintains such facilities.

Collars

Many submissives in a submissive relationship wear a collar to indicate their submissive status and commitment. It can be much like a wedding band, except that only the submissive partner wears one. The traditional collar is a neck band in leather or metal, chosen, designed, and even crafted by the dominant partner. Some subs may wear a "symbolic collar", often a bracelet or ankle chain, which is more subdued than the traditional collar and can pass in non-BDSM situations. It is not uncommon for a sub to have several collars for special occasions. Collars are integral for animal roleplay.

Many people—for example, some in the punk rock and goth subcultures—wear collars for other reasons, such as fashion. So, one cannot assume that all people wearing collars are involved in BDSM. Members of the furry fandom may also wear collars as a part of costuming or as fashion. Use of collars in the sexual aspects of furry lifestyle may or may not be connected to BDSM, depending on the individual's preferences.

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One of the most famous works in this area is Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's Venus im Pelz (Venus in Furs, 1869), in which the protagonist, Severin, persuades a woman, Wanda, to take him on as her slave, serves her, and allows her to degrade him. The book has elements of both social and physical submission, and is the genesis of the term "masochism" coined by the 19th-century psychiatrist Krafft-Ebing.

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FIV

Finger In Vagina

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FJ

Foot job. The sex act in which someone puts their feet on a mans penis, one on each side, and moves them up and down until the man ejaculates.

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CFS

CFS Covered Full Service (sex with condom)

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DATY

(Slang) Stands for Dining At The Y. Performing oral sex on a woman with her legs spread

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LMP

Licensed Massage Practitioner

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MG

Massage Girl 

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ML

Massage Lady

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OVN

Overnight

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OWOTC

Oral Without Condom To Completion

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P4P

Is translated into Pay for Play and it refers to the idea of paying for sexual favours

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Pearl Necklace

This stands for the mens ejaculating on the girls neck/chest, producing a white, pearl like, decoration

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PS

Private Show (Dance) 

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RPG

Role playing games. 

Sexual roleplay is roleplay that has a strong erotic element. It may involve two or more people who act out rolesin order to bring to life a sexual fantasy and may be a form of foreplay and be sexually arousing. Many people regard sexual roleplay as a means of overcoming sexual inhibitions. It may take place in the real world, or via an internet forum, chat-room, video-game, or email—allowing for physically or virtually impossible erotic interests to be enacted.

How seriously the play is taken depends on the participants, and the scenario may be anywhere from simple and makeshift to detailed and elaborate, including costumes and a script. The role-play may involve a fantasy based on any social role and could incorporate any kind of sexual fetish desired by the participants. Examples include items of clothing experienced as erotic or one or more participants being nude. The role-play may involve elements of dominance and submission including sexual bondage and erotic humiliation.

Depending on the play scenario, the roleplay may be before spectators, and bystanders may be unknowing participants in a roleplay. For example, the roleplay may involve house guests or may be taken out of a couple's home and into, say, a bar, street, park etc. A role may require, for example, one or both partners to flirt with a stranger, or for one partner to seduce the other partner's friend, etc. It may also call for one or both partners to, say, strip in a car or park.

The popularity of the Internet has also allowed for online sexual encounters, known as cybersex, which may involve roleplay. In a 2015 US survey, up to 22% of respondents stated that they had performed sexual role play in their lifetime.

BDSM

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Many of the most common sexual roleplays involve a power differential and form part of the dominance and submission aspect of BDSM. Roles can be general designations of power positions, or very specific, detailed fantasies. Some people, such as those living the Gorean lifestyle make use of an entire imaginary world. The controlling player is often called the top or dominant while the controlled individual is called the bottom or submissive. It can be considered dangerous and therefore a safeword is advised to continue the safety of other(s) in such acts.

Examples of scenarios

 

Uniform fetish: A Japanese woman dressed as a school student.

Common scenarios include:

• Doctor/Nurse/Patient: medical fetishism where the participants play the roles of doctor, nurse, or patient, e.g., enema play.

• Escort – Client: one partner assumes the role of paid escort for an encounter.

• Executive – Secretary: one partner assumes the role of a business executive while the other takes the role of their secretary.

• Handyman – Housewife: the tradesman enters the housewife's home initially with the intent of carrying out plumbing/maintenance work.

• Master – Slave: the slave is required to comply with all demands of the master.

• Photographer – Model: this allows one partner to photograph the other as a precursor to sexual interaction.

• Stripper – Client: one participant performs a striptease for the other.

• Teacher – Student: the student dresses for the part and must do as they are told, or are punished.

• Circus master - Lion: the lion is given a demand and must do it for the sake of entertainment.

• Sex doll - Doll owner: the sex doll must stay still and be obedient.

• Pilot – flight attendant: One partner takes on the role of the pilot while the other plays a seductive flight attendant.

• Mechanic – client: While one partner plays the mechanic the other takes on the role of the client. The client tries to pay the mechanic via seduction.

• Soldier – girlfriend: A returning soldier is surprised by his girlfriend in a stunning lingerie set. 

Other scenarios include:

• Ageplay: where an individual acts and/or treats another as if they were a different age. The practice can be regressive, in which the goal is to re-experience childhood, or sexual, recreating a sexual relationship with people of the pretended ages. Generally this can involve someone pretending to be younger than they actually are, but more rarely can involve assuming an older role.

• Animal roleplay: where a player is treated as a non-human animal such as a dog, pony, or cat.

• Authority figure/Misbehaving Adult: where a player takes on the role of an authority figure and blackmails or humiliates his or her partner into sexual activity.

• Clown kink in the manner of coulrophilia between a young person and a performing mime, jester, or circus clown

• Gender-play: where one or more players take on roles of another gender.

• Incest fantasy: also known as incest play, where two or more play the role of family members.

• Owner/Inanimate object: such as the bottom being human furniture.

• Prison fetish: situational play set in a prison environment. Given real life prisons are same-sex communities, this fetish does lend itself to male on male or female on female activities and settings. Opposite gender play is also possible between inmates and guards or when the setting includes a co-ed facility/institution. Prison play is also an expansion of the uniform fetish by use of inmate, guard, and staff uniforms.

• Torturer/Captive prisoner: where one player is a captor who abuses the other, can also include ravishment and kidnap scenarios.

• Uniform fetishism: one participant dresses in uniform (for instance as a school student, cheerleader, French maid, etc.), while the other participant plays an authority figure (e.g., a parent, teacher, coach, police officer). Can also include scenarios with both participants in uniforms.

• Supernatural Seductions: One participant takes the role of a predatory vampire, incubus, succubus or witch and seduces, enthralls or claims the other participant as their victim.

• Rape play involves acting out roles of coercive sex with communication, consent and safety being especially crucial elements.

Sexologist Gloria Brame lists a number of these scenarios, as does Trevor Jacques.

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SOMF

Sat On My Face

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TGTBT

Too Good To Be True. If you say that something seems too good to be true, you are suspicious of it because it seems better than you had expected, and you think there may be something wrong with it that you have not noticed.  This term expresses the skeptical view that something so seemingly fine must have something wrong with it. The term was part of the title of Thomas Lupton's Sivquila; Too Good to be True (1580).

Finally, don't worry, I am good and I am true!

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Light domination receive or give soft domination

When it comes to exploring the world of BDSM, one term that often comes up is "soft dom." But what exactly does it mean to be a soft dom? How does it differ from other types of dominance within the BDSM community? This comprehensive guide delves into the intricacies of soft domination, its characteristics, techniques, and the importance of consent. We'll also explore the nurturing aspect of being a soft dom and address some common misconceptions. So, let's unlock the secrets of soft domination and satisfy our curiosity today!

A soft dom, short for soft dominance, refers to a style of dominance within the BDSM context that emphasizes a more gentle and nurturing approach. While BDSM often involves aspects of power exchange and control, a soft dom focuses on creating a safe and loving environment for their submissive partner. The term "soft" does not imply a lack of authority or dominance but highlights the care, empathy, and affection that a soft dom brings to the dynamic.

 

In a soft dom and sub relationship, the dominant partner takes on a nurturing role, ensuring their submissive's physical and emotional well-being. They prioritize communication, trust, and consent, making sure that both partners' needs and boundaries are respected. Soft doms are known for balancing dominance and tenderness, creating a dynamic that promotes pleasure, growth, and intimacy.

Characteristics of a Soft Dom

 

Soft doms possess various characteristics that distinguish them from other types of dominants in the BDSM community. Here are some common attributes associated with a soft dom:

 

1. Gentle and Caring: A soft dom approaches their submissive partner with kindness, compassion, and a genuine concern for their well-being. They cherish and nurture their submissive, ensuring their physical and emotional needs are met.

 

2. Communication-Oriented: Soft doms value open and honest communication. They actively listen to their submissive's desires, concerns, and boundaries, fostering a safe space for both partners to express themselves.

 

3. Empathetic and Intuitive: Soft doms have a heightened sense of empathy, allowing them to understand and connect deeply with their submissive partner's emotions and needs. They intuitively respond to cues and signals, adapting their approach accordingly.

 

4. Respectful Boundaries: Soft doms prioritize consent and understand the importance of respecting their submissive's boundaries. They actively negotiate and discuss to ensure that all activities are consensual and within agreed-upon limits.

 

5. Patient and Understanding: Soft doms understand that growth and submission take time. They are patient with their submissive partner, allowing them to explore their desires, overcome challenges, and gradually embrace their submissive identity.

 

6. Affectionate and Loving: Soft doms focus on dominance's physical aspects and create emotional intimacy and deep connections with their submissive. They express love, care, and appreciation during play and outside of BDSM scenes.

 

7. Nurturing and Supportive: Soft doms take on a caregiver-like role, providing emotional support and guidance to their submissive partner. They encourage personal growth and self-discovery and celebrate their submissive's achievements.

Techniques Used by Soft Doms in BDSM Play

 

Soft domination techniques encompass a range of intimate and sensual activities that prioritize the pleasure and well-being of the submissive partner. Here are some methods commonly used by soft doms:

 

1. Sensual Touch: Soft doms utilize sensual touch for connection and arousal. They may run their hands gently over their submissive's body, caress sensitive areas, and explore different types of contact to elicit pleasure.

 

2. Affirming and Praise: Soft doms provide verbal affirmations and praise during play to uplift and validate their submissive. They recognize their submissive's efforts, highlighting their desires and achievements as part of the dominant-submissive dynamic.

 

3. Guided Fantasies: Soft doms create and guide fantasies tailored to their submissive's desires and boundaries. They may engage in role-play scenarios, encouraging their submissives to explore their fantasies in a safe and consensual environment.

 

4. Slow-Building Intensity: Soft doms focus on gradual intensity, slowly building up sensations and emotions to enhance pleasure and anticipation. They may use teasing techniques, edging, or prolonged foreplay to create a heightened sense of desire.

 

5. Sensory Play: Soft doms explore sensory play using various props and techniques stimulating the senses. This may include blindfolds, feathers, ice cubes, or temperature play to add a novel and pleasurable element to the experience.

 

6. Positive Reinforcement: Soft doms use positive reinforcement techniques to reward and encourage their submissive's behavior and accomplishments. This can include verbal praise, physical affection, or small rewards that reinforce desired behaviors.

 

7. Emotional Connection: Soft doms prioritize emotional connection and intimacy during BDSM play. They may engage in deep conversations, eye contact, or comforting gestures to create a strong bond of trust and understanding.

 

It's essential to note that these techniques should always be consensual, discussed, and agreed upon before engaging in any BDSM play. Communication and consent form the foundation of a healthy and satisfying soft dom and sub relationship.

Nurturing Aspect in Soft Dom Relationships

 

The nurturing aspect in soft dom relationships is a defining characteristic of this style of dominance. Soft doms provide a safe space for their submissive partner to explore their desires, boundaries, and vulnerabilities. They prioritize their submissive's emotional well-being and growth.

 

The nurturing aspect can manifest in various ways, including:

 

1. Emotional Support: Soft doms offer emotional support and validation to their submissive partner. They create an environment where the submissive feels safe to express their emotions, fears, and insecurities without judgment.

 

2. Submissive Growth: Soft doms encourage personal growth and exploration in their submissive partner. They empower them to discover their desires, fantasies, and limits and support them as they navigate their BDSM journey.

 

3. Care and Affection: Soft doms express care and affection towards their submissive partner, both during BDSM play and outside of it. They may engage in acts of tenderness, such as cuddling, holding hands, or showering their submissive with physical affection.

 

4. Intimacy and Connection: Soft doms prioritize building an intimate and deep emotional connection with their submissive partner. They create a dynamic rooted in trust, understanding, and vulnerability, where both partners feel seen and valued.

 

The nurturing aspect of soft dom relationships creates a space for healing, personal development, and self-discovery for the submissive. It allows for a more holistic approach to dominance, where physical pleasure is complemented by emotional support and growth.

 

The Importance of Consent in a Soft Dom and Sub Relationship

 

Consent is fundamental to any BDSM relationship, including soft dom and sub dynamics. Soft doms understand the significance of obtaining explicit and enthusiastic consent from their submissive partner before engaging in any BDSM activity.

 

Explicit consent involves open and honest communication about desires, boundaries, and limits. It ensures that both the soft dom and submissive understand and agree to the activities and dynamics involved. Consent should be ongoing and can be renegotiated at any time to accommodate changing needs and preferences.

 

Soft doms actively practice consent by:

 

1. Establishing Communication Channels: Soft doms create an open and non-judgmental space for their submissive partner to express their desires, boundaries, and concerns. They encourage open and ongoing discussions about consent.

 

2. Negotiating Boundaries: Soft doms carefully negotiate the boundaries, limits, and activities that both partners are comfortable with. They take the time to understand each other's needs and establish clear guidelines.

 

3. Check-Ins: Checking In Soft doms regularly check in with their submissive partner during and after BDSM play. They pay attention to verbal cues and body language and use safe words or signals to ensure continued consent and real-time feedback.

 

4. Respecting Limits: Soft doms prioritize respecting their submissive's limits without exception. They understand that boundaries can evolve and ensure that consent is always present, even as the dynamic evolves.

 

Consent forms the cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling soft dom and sub relationship. It ensures that all activities are safe, consensual, and aligned with both partners' desires and boundaries.

 

Exploring Boundaries as a Soft Dom

 

As a soft dom, it is crucial to understand boundaries and respect them thoroughly. Boundaries are the limits set by individuals to define what they are comfortable with and are not. As a soft dom, you must ensure that you are aware of your submissive partner's boundaries and respect them fully.

 

Here are some critical considerations for exploring boundaries as a soft dom:

 

1. Open and Honest Communication: Communication is vital to understanding and respecting boundaries. Have open and honest conversations with your submissive partner about their likes, dislikes, and hard limits. Please encourage them to express their boundaries without fear of judgment.

 

2. Active Listening: Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues from your submissive partner. Listening actively and being attentive to their comfort levels during play is essential. Remember that boundaries can change over time, so ongoing communication is vital.

 

3. Safe Words and Signals: Establish a safe word or signal with your submissive partner to allow them to communicate if they need to stop or are reaching their limits. Always respect and act upon the safe word or signal without question.

 

4. Gradual Exploration: While exploring boundaries can be an exciting part of BDSM play, it is important to proceed slowly and gradually. Pushing boundaries without consent can lead to discomfort, emotional distress, or even harm. Always prioritize the well-being of your submissive partner.

 

5. Regular Check-Ins: Check in with your submissive partner regularly, both during and after BDSM scenes, to ensure their physical and emotional well-being. This allows you to assess if any boundaries have been crossed unintentionally and address any concerns or discomforts that may arise.

 

Remember, being a soft dom does not mean that you can disregard or manipulate boundaries. It means you prioritize dominance's nurturing and caring aspects while respecting the limits your submissive partner sets.

 

Communication Tips for a Successful Soft Dom Relationship

 

Effective communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, which also holds for a successful soft dom relationship. As a soft dom, it is essential to establish open and honest lines of communication with your submissive partner to ensure trust, understanding, and mutual satisfaction. Here are some communication tips to enhance your soft dom relationship:

 

1. Active Listening: Listen to your submissive partner without interruption or judgment. Please give them your full attention, maintain eye contact, and empathize with their needs and desires. Valuing their thoughts and feelings will strengthen the emotional connection between you.

 

2. Encourage Expressiveness: Create a safe space for your submissive partner to express their desires, concerns, and boundaries freely. Remind them that their feelings and opinions are valid and respected, fostering an environment of trust and open communication.

 

3. Regular Check-Ins: Schedule regular check-ins to discuss the dynamic of your soft dom relationship. These conversations can cover various topics, such as exploring new desires, addressing concerns or challenges, and reaffirming consent and boundaries. Flexibility and adaptability are vital in maintaining a healthy and evolving relationship.

 

4. Non-Verbal Communication: Non-verbal cues play a significant role in communication. Please pay attention to your submissive partner's body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice to gain deeper insights into their feelings and desires. This can help you understand their needs even when they struggle to articulate them verbally.

 

5. Feedback and Reflection: After engaging in BDSM play, reflect on the experience together. Offer constructive feedback and encourage your submissive partner to share their thoughts and emotions. This feedback loop helps strengthen the bond between you and provides an opportunity for growth and improvement.

 

6. Practice Emotional Support: As a soft dom, offering emotional support to your submissive partner is essential beyond the realm of BDSM play. Show empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen when they need someone to lean on. Share affection and reassurance to reinforce the bond of trust and care.

 

Remember, effective communication is an ongoing process requiring both partners' active effort. By prioritizing open and honest communication, you can establish a strong foundation in your soft dom relationship and create a space for growth, exploration, and satisfaction.

 

The Role of Aftercare in Soft Dom Play

 

Aftercare is essential to any BDSM play, including soft dom dynamics. It refers to the care and support provided to the submissive partner after a scene or plays session to ensure their emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare is a time for both partners to reconnect, debrief, and reaffirm their bond. 

 

Here are some essential aspects to consider regarding aftercare as a soft dom:

 

1. Emotional Support: After BDSM play, provide emotional support and reassurance to your submissive partner. Listen attentively to their experiences, validate their emotions, and offer comfort and ease. This support helps them process any intense emotions that may have arisen during play.

 

2. Physical Comfort: Attend to your submissive partner's physical comfort during aftercare. Offer blankets, water, or a warm drink to help them relax and recover. Physical touches such as caresses or gentle massages can provide soothing and grounding sensations.

 

3. Verbal Affirmation: Express appreciation for your submissive partner's trust and vulnerability during play. Use uplifting and affirming language to reinforce the power dynamic and the connection between you. Kind, positive words can help foster a sense of safety and encourage future exploration.

 

4. Aftercare Discussion: Engage in a debriefing conversation after play sessions to reflect on the experience together. Discuss what went well, what could be improved, and any thoughts or emotions that arose. This discussion allows both partners to process the scene and strengthen communication and connection.

 

5. Individual Needs: Everyone's aftercare needs may vary. Some individuals may require solitude and quiet reflection, while others may crave closer physical contact or additional reassurance. Respect and accommodate your partner's unique needs and preferences.

 

Remember, aftercare is not a one-size-fits-all concept. Each individual, including soft doms, may have their preferences and requirements. Always communicate with your submissive partner to understand their needs and provide appropriate aftercare to ensure their well-being.

 

Debunking Common Misconceptions About Soft Doms

 

As with any BDSM role or identity, misconceptions and stereotypes are often associated with being a soft dom. Let's now address and debunk some of the most common misconceptions surrounding soft doms:

 

1. Soft Doms Lack Dominance: One of the most prevalent misconceptions is that soft doms lack dominance or are not "real" dominants. This is far from true. Soft doms prioritize a nurturing and caring approach to dominance but still maintain control and authority within the dynamic.

 

2. Soft Doms are Weak: Soft doms are often misunderstood as weak or passive. In reality, they possess strength in navigating and adapting to their submissive partner's needs, emotions, and desires. Their gentle demeanor does not negate their dominance.

 

3. Soft Doms are Pushovers: Soft doms are sometimes assumed to be easily manipulated or taken advantage of by their submissives. However, this is different. Soft doms establish firm boundaries, ensure consent, and exude strength in creating a safe and nurturing environment.

 

4. It's All About Pleasure: While soft doms prioritize pleasure, it's not solely about physical pleasure. They also focus on emotional well-being, growth, and connection. The pleasure derived from soft dom dynamics goes beyond the physical and encompasses a more profound sense of intimacy and trust.

 

5. Soft Doms Lack Authority: Soft doms may be perceived as having less authority than hard doms. However, their power is established through trust, emotional connection, and the consent given by their submissive partner. Their superiority lies in their ability to guide and nurture.

 

It's essential to recognize that BDSM dynamics are diverse and unique to each individual and relationship. Soft doms have their distinct style of dominance, which should not be diminished or discredited based on misconceptions.

 

What Types of Doms Are There?

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